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[etoile_violette]

Government to put an end to Britain's 'cancer culture'


By etoile_violet


New plans to reduce cancer in the UK have been announced by the government today, which ministers say will mean fewer patients will qualify for treatment.

New Health Secretary Peter Hain says the changes, to be introduced next year, will put an end to Britain's 'cancer culture'.

But campaigners from local and national cancer charities have expressed concern that this will mean genuine cancer patients will be denied the help they need to beat the disease.

According to Cancer Research UK, more than 250,000 people are diagnosed with cancer every year, which ministers say places a huge strain on NHS resources. The new plans will include tougher tests at consultation, meaning up to 50% of patients will no longer be entitled to treatments such as chemotherapy or surgery.

According to figures by some right-wing newspaper, some people with cancer aren't actually dying, yet they cost the taxpayers millions of pounds a year by expecting treatment such as surgery and pain relief.

The new plans will include testing patients for other conditions such as heart disease, and those who are found to be otherwise healthy will be expected to just get on with it.

Mr Hain says the new system will place greater emphasis on what cancer patients don't have wrong with them, rather than what they do.

Mr Hain said: "We want to help patients, not punish them. Studies have shown that you're better off without cancer, and with our help, the UK will soon contain fewer people with this disease."

When asked exactly how the cancer population would be reduced, Mr Hain mumbled something about having left the iron on and ended the interview.






(Inspired by this, and this)

Comments

[x-equals-speed.livejournal.com]

I didn't read your mood first, what does it say about the world that I didn't realise it was a spoof till most of the way though?

[threepymeepy.livejournal.com]

Same here! 'Tis good :)